Mood Down

I need something and I don't know what.
My husband, Brian and I were doing the grocery shopping today and on the way home he said he is never going to be happy until we get out of the horrible debt we're in and I thought...I wonder if this is true for me as well. We're in the worse debt we've ever been in, barely able to pay bills, I'm at the highest weight I've ever been. We both go in and out of depression. He talks about killing himself ( he doesn't believe in outside help) and this week-end has been a real downer for both of us, while I try to keep happy spirits when I talk to my daughters who live in Boston and my mom who's sister just died last night and I feel unsuccessful at making anyone happy, which I've always been able to do but I just can't seem to be able to anymore. I just reread something I had written about me and food a couple of years ago.
"Food has always been a comfort to me since the 4th grade.
Hiding and eating has always been something I’ve done to keep people from watching and commenting on what I eat. (Mom, Dennis, Randy, Brian, ex boyfriends) A fat person should always eat less and of diet foods only. I look in the mirror sometimes and I can’t believe it’s me. I’ve gained over 175lbs. since I went off on my own in 1973. My mother still blames it on the fact that I left her."
I had hope a couple of weeks ago, but my hope always fades.
Anyway, what have I done this week....I water jogged 4 days. My overall eating was fair...I've been trying to eat no more than 1800 cal. day and a couple of days I hit 2300. What's holding me back? I think that's about it for now. I'm looking forward to the call tomorrow night.
Love, Kate